Hoes and Lambos

So last night was fun. I met a pimp.  

And not just any pimp!  According to my new acquaintance, he not only “runs things” here in the GTA, but his uncle runs a whole other country too.   

His status, as he pointed out, could be verified by his $1,000 Louis Vuitton baseball hat, and a leather jacket which he "don’t even want to get into the value" of.

Good news! Apparently, MY DAUGHTER (😐) and I have massive potential!  Yay us.

I’ll have to admit, I hadn’t considered spiraling into a life of drugs and prostitution with my child, but now that I have a guy who’s willing to take a mere 30% cut of the massive influx of wealth I would acquire, and add to that, all the Lamborghinis he said I would be driving, I’m like….

Yeah fuck no. 

Sadly for our friendly neighborhood dirtbag, he picked the wrong child to mess with, because with wit as fierce as that nasty left hook of hers, my girl had a fast-talking, skeezy mofo speechless.  Proud mama.

I won’t go into all the gross wisdom he imparted on us, but I will tell you that the words “a little bit of this” will forever mean something different.

So my wish today is two-fold :

1. Somehow (don’t care how) this guy disappears.

2. I find a magic loofah that has the power to scrub the ick from my brain.

The Depths of Despair

Hello friend(s)

It’s the genie here, hoping I find you well and full of bright-eyed optimism.  If so, can you lend me some?

Yes, it is Debbie Downer time, or perhaps I should say Suzie Sour hour.  Oooh, that reminds me, I got a new jacket:

Awesome riiiight??

Anyway, back to me wallowing.

If you may have noticed from my previous posts, I am not the most mature woman on the planet, to say the least.  

Yes, of course I am proud of that.  Duh!  Not the issue.  

Get this!  Someone actually said the words to me “Don’t try to be a kid, act your age.”  And worst of all, it was someone who I greatly respect and admire. 

So yeah, somebody… anybody… if you can hear me, be a pal and pull the stake from my withering heart.  

I mean, I’m sure this person meant it in the best possible way, like “Suzie, use your vast life experience to do great things”, which I would have been fine with.

But what I heard was: “Suzie, lose the sneakers because you look ridiculous”. 

So now I wallow.

And because wallowing in self-pity is always best accomplished on a moor, my wish is to find a vast windswept moor from whence I can look out into the abyss and stew until I ultimately give myself a mental slap, realizing that I’m being ridiculous and of course my sneakers are fabulous. 

Anybody know of any good moors in the GTA?  

The Mohawk Strikes Again

What is the ultimate goal when considering the perfect partner for your teen child?

Is it someone who treats them well?  Of course.

Is it someone who is kind?  Definitely

Is it someone who can nail your forehead with a Nerf gun from an acute angle with pinpoint accuracy?  

The answer is surprisingly... yes.

My wish for all of you today, is that one time in your life you feel the resigned joy of knowing that your young offspring's significant other feels comfortable enough to pull up beside you in the driveway, motion to you to roll down your window, and with excited determination, shoot you right between the eyes.

Yours in chucks (ahem.. sweet new baby blue pf flyers)

Suzie